Andy wants to go home. His VISA is up in June and we're getting married so we both want a family. That got him thinking about his family I guess because he said he wants to move back to London. Thing is I could never renounce my American citizenship. It's not just my home but a huge part of my heritage. But you can't be a cop over there if you aren't an English citizen. So it's either stay and make him miserable or find a new career. *takes a deep breath* It's just a job. I can live with a new job. I can't live with making him miserable or losing him all together. I'll be alright though. Pepper got me a security job for Stark Industries. It's not the same but at least I'll be useful. I'm really not qualified for anything else.
*Shrugs* That's life I guess. I haven't even told them at work yet. It doesn't feel real. Every time I even think about it my chest feels tight. I haven't even been with the SBPD a year. I feel like I'm abandoning them.
On the other hand it's a family. It's just been me for so long that I've forgotten what it felt like to have one. My whole life I've wanted to be a cop but ever since my dad died it sort of felt like there was nothing else for me. I didn't see myself married. All I had was the job. Andy's offering me something else. An option B. I'm terrified that it won't be enough but I'm not sure I could forgive myself if I didn't at least take him up on it.
*sad nod* Yeah. I know that feeling all too well. I think Summers hates me, or at the very least thinks I'm a big fat coward.
*slight smile* You know, when I was called, I didn't really see much of a future for myself either, and now I have one. That had a lot to do with it too. It might feel awful now, but later, we might be really glad we made the decision.
Let her. You have to do what you feel is right. Besides, you ever hear of an old slayer? There's nothing wrong with wanting to live especially when you have something to live for.
I really hope so. It seems like the right thing to do. I love him so much but if in a year or two I just resent him for it, it would be like it was all for nothing.
That was my reasoning. I could just be overreacting and being too sensitive, of course.
Hopefully that won't happen. I do worry about that, though. That it seems like it's a decision you're making solely for him, disregarding yourself. Which, okay, in a lot of ways that's exactly what love is, putting the happiness of the one you love before your own, but...still. I worry for you, kiddo. I want you to be happy, too.
I don't think you are. It's not like you got to choose in the first place. It was hoisted on you as a preteen or teenager and you were just told to deal. You have admirably really. If you feel like you're done, who are they to tell you that you aren't?
Ideally, we'd stay. I already have a house. We both have good jobs and I finally just made detective. In a year or two I'd be principle on a case and when I proved myself there I'd be a senior detective. My choice of cases. Assuming of course that I don't get pregnant right away and have to take a little time off. But I'm used to being alone. Andy's not. He's been in our country less than a year and this is the longest he's ever been from his gigantic family. They've always been there for him and he wants that for our kids. How can I say no to that? The two things I want most in the world and I have to pick. I love my job. I love feeling like I make a difference. That I help people. In some respects I feel like I was born to do it. My dad spent my whole life training me but I love Andy more. I want to be his wife. I want to have his kids. I want to be adopted by his crazy British family. I want him to be able to take this incredible writing job for a newspaper there. I want to make him happy in every possible way a person can make another person happy probably because I still can't believe he picked me. And if being a security guard isn't enough then I don't know. I guess I'll have to try and figure something else out because if I can't be happy with everything he wants to give me then I really don't deserve him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
On the other hand it's a family. It's just been me for so long that I've forgotten what it felt like to have one. My whole life I've wanted to be a cop but ever since my dad died it sort of felt like there was nothing else for me. I didn't see myself married. All I had was the job. Andy's offering me something else. An option B. I'm terrified that it won't be enough but I'm not sure I could forgive myself if I didn't at least take him up on it.
no subject
*slight smile* You know, when I was called, I didn't really see much of a future for myself either, and now I have one. That had a lot to do with it too. It might feel awful now, but later, we might be really glad we made the decision.
no subject
I really hope so. It seems like the right thing to do. I love him so much but if in a year or two I just resent him for it, it would be like it was all for nothing.
no subject
Hopefully that won't happen. I do worry about that, though. That it seems like it's a decision you're making solely for him, disregarding yourself. Which, okay, in a lot of ways that's exactly what love is, putting the happiness of the one you love before your own, but...still. I worry for you, kiddo. I want you to be happy, too.
no subject
Ideally, we'd stay. I already have a house. We both have good jobs and I finally just made detective. In a year or two I'd be principle on a case and when I proved myself there I'd be a senior detective. My choice of cases. Assuming of course that I don't get pregnant right away and have to take a little time off. But I'm used to being alone. Andy's not. He's been in our country less than a year and this is the longest he's ever been from his gigantic family. They've always been there for him and he wants that for our kids. How can I say no to that? The two things I want most in the world and I have to pick. I love my job. I love feeling like I make a difference. That I help people. In some respects I feel like I was born to do it. My dad spent my whole life training me but I love Andy more. I want to be his wife. I want to have his kids. I want to be adopted by his crazy British family. I want him to be able to take this incredible writing job for a newspaper there. I want to make him happy in every possible way a person can make another person happy probably because I still can't believe he picked me. And if being a security guard isn't enough then I don't know. I guess I'll have to try and figure something else out because if I can't be happy with everything he wants to give me then I really don't deserve him.