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deep_red_bellsafter this
Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's got to be the closest thing to hell that can be experienced without actually dying. Despite everything, she knows she's still alive. She can feel herself breathing. She can feel it when her heart starts to race.
But it's hellish enough, because it doesn't stop. There's no waking up. Lives, deaths, joy and sorrow, violence and pain. It's constant and overwhelming and every time she begs for it to end only seems to make it worse.
A dark-skinned girl's humanity begins to slip away as her people turn their backs on her.
A girl with sun colored hair burns at the stake and cries out to her God to save her.
A woman stares in horror at the spray of red blood and realizes that her Watcher just used her to assassinate an innocent--and very human--man.
A girl just this side of eighteen dies during her Cruciamentum, too paralyzed by fear and pain to save herself.
A young member of the Bund Deutscher Mädel sees how human beings treat each other and comes to realize that the vampires aren't the real monsters.
On and on through the centuries until she's certain something in her brain is going to rupture, until she's fighting to scream out What do you want?!
"You have to be shown."
She sinks into the ash strewn street and shivers, exhausted and overloaded and yet still, somehow, grateful for the respite. "Shown what?!" she snaps, tears stinging her eyes. "People die and bad shit happens? Thanks, I fucking knew that already."
"Shown the evil. Shown the monsters." The girl kneels down, misty eyes wide and full of a crazed intensity. "This is what they do. What we give. This is what they do." She tilts her head slightly, lank hair slipping down and into her face.
"They don't deserve to be saved."
==================================
"I dunno, Annie, my head's just not in the right place."
"Whatcha mean, jelly bean?"
Annie's cornball sense of humor, as always, makes her feel a little better, but can't completely distract her from her mood. "You ever question whether or not it's worth it?"
"What, slaying?"
'Yeah. I mean...it's not like we're ever gonna get a thank you, nice job, kudos for helping save the world. You ever start to think, maybe it's not worth it?"
"Sure, I question," Annie's tone is smooth and light, even across a terrible international connection. "We all do, whether we admit it or not. I mean, nobody wants the life expectancy of a fruit fly, Bee--"
"It's not even that." She sighs and tucks her legs beneath her, huddles up against the headboard of the bed. "It's just...you look at the world. You look at people. Do you not ever start to think...'Christ, do you people even deserve to be saved'?"
==================================
It doesn't matter at the moment that the very same thoughts have passed through her own mind long before the god-awful dreams started. This, this bitch, whoever the hell she is, has been fucking with her head for weeks, high-jacked her mind and put her into some kind of trance. She's not rational--she's pissed, and not in the mood to be sympathetic and pitying. "That's what this is about?" she half-snarls, stubbornly struggling to her feet. "Some people are bad?! And you think this is new?! You have got to be kidding me!!"
==================================
"Thing is, Sweet Bee, you start thinking like that? You go bibbledy. You start thinking for even a second about worth, and who deserves to live and die? That's a road you don't wanna go down, Private."
"So what...we're never supposed to question? We're just supposed to fall in line like good little drones?"
"God, you're stupid sometimes." Baileigh knows better than to take offense. It's Annie being Annie. "Look, Bee? It sucks to be us sometimes. What people do to each other? It sucks. People fucking suck, but that's not on us. What's on us is keeping things as much on the fair side as they can be. Good people, bad people, morally grey and otherwise neutral and indifferent people, stupid people, smart people, yeah, even the people not worth spitting on: they deserve a fair shot at life on a nice, non-hell dimension overrun world. Cause the thing is? As much as people suck, they can do turn around and surprise you by majorly not sucking."
"Redemption and free will and all that happy shit?"
"You got it, Church. You get a muffin."
She laughs softly and feels her bleak mood lift and lighten. "So long as it's chocolate chip."
"Nuh uh, fuck you, bitch," Annie sing-songs. "You left me. You get bran."
==================================
The girl stares at her, cold fury and danger, but she can't bring herself to give a damn. "It was you. I saw it, all of it. What he did to you. What he did to your family. And I felt sorry for you, but sister, you let it break you. Someone hurt you, so you want to take everyone else down too. It doesn't work like that." She straightens her shoulders, scrubs a hand across the deep scratches down her face. "Everyone deserves a fair shot."
The girl makes a noise in the back of her throat, an angry snarl, and lashes out at her yet again, but she catches her wrist and backhands her hard across the face. "Not this time, bitch. This is my head." She releases her unexpectedly and shoves her back. She's pissed, but getting into a scuffle in a dream...well. That's just a little damn weird. "Get the hell back to your own, and you better hope I don't ever find you."
She stumbles back, drags the back of her hand over her mouth, smudging the lines of red that streak down her face. She stares at her for a moment...and gives her that smile. That same feral grin she gave her before she attacked her the first time. "Can't find me if I'm already dead."
She feels it, again, as her heart begins to race, as her breath quickens a little.
Already dead.
She doesn't have time to process just what the hell that really means, before the girl launches at her again, still grinning like a demented, Cheshire Cat.
But it's hellish enough, because it doesn't stop. There's no waking up. Lives, deaths, joy and sorrow, violence and pain. It's constant and overwhelming and every time she begs for it to end only seems to make it worse.
A dark-skinned girl's humanity begins to slip away as her people turn their backs on her.
A girl with sun colored hair burns at the stake and cries out to her God to save her.
A woman stares in horror at the spray of red blood and realizes that her Watcher just used her to assassinate an innocent--and very human--man.
A girl just this side of eighteen dies during her Cruciamentum, too paralyzed by fear and pain to save herself.
A young member of the Bund Deutscher Mädel sees how human beings treat each other and comes to realize that the vampires aren't the real monsters.
On and on through the centuries until she's certain something in her brain is going to rupture, until she's fighting to scream out What do you want?!
"You have to be shown."
She sinks into the ash strewn street and shivers, exhausted and overloaded and yet still, somehow, grateful for the respite. "Shown what?!" she snaps, tears stinging her eyes. "People die and bad shit happens? Thanks, I fucking knew that already."
"Shown the evil. Shown the monsters." The girl kneels down, misty eyes wide and full of a crazed intensity. "This is what they do. What we give. This is what they do." She tilts her head slightly, lank hair slipping down and into her face.
"They don't deserve to be saved."
==================================
"I dunno, Annie, my head's just not in the right place."
"Whatcha mean, jelly bean?"
Annie's cornball sense of humor, as always, makes her feel a little better, but can't completely distract her from her mood. "You ever question whether or not it's worth it?"
"What, slaying?"
'Yeah. I mean...it's not like we're ever gonna get a thank you, nice job, kudos for helping save the world. You ever start to think, maybe it's not worth it?"
"Sure, I question," Annie's tone is smooth and light, even across a terrible international connection. "We all do, whether we admit it or not. I mean, nobody wants the life expectancy of a fruit fly, Bee--"
"It's not even that." She sighs and tucks her legs beneath her, huddles up against the headboard of the bed. "It's just...you look at the world. You look at people. Do you not ever start to think...'Christ, do you people even deserve to be saved'?"
==================================
It doesn't matter at the moment that the very same thoughts have passed through her own mind long before the god-awful dreams started. This, this bitch, whoever the hell she is, has been fucking with her head for weeks, high-jacked her mind and put her into some kind of trance. She's not rational--she's pissed, and not in the mood to be sympathetic and pitying. "That's what this is about?" she half-snarls, stubbornly struggling to her feet. "Some people are bad?! And you think this is new?! You have got to be kidding me!!"
==================================
"Thing is, Sweet Bee, you start thinking like that? You go bibbledy. You start thinking for even a second about worth, and who deserves to live and die? That's a road you don't wanna go down, Private."
"So what...we're never supposed to question? We're just supposed to fall in line like good little drones?"
"God, you're stupid sometimes." Baileigh knows better than to take offense. It's Annie being Annie. "Look, Bee? It sucks to be us sometimes. What people do to each other? It sucks. People fucking suck, but that's not on us. What's on us is keeping things as much on the fair side as they can be. Good people, bad people, morally grey and otherwise neutral and indifferent people, stupid people, smart people, yeah, even the people not worth spitting on: they deserve a fair shot at life on a nice, non-hell dimension overrun world. Cause the thing is? As much as people suck, they can do turn around and surprise you by majorly not sucking."
"Redemption and free will and all that happy shit?"
"You got it, Church. You get a muffin."
She laughs softly and feels her bleak mood lift and lighten. "So long as it's chocolate chip."
"Nuh uh, fuck you, bitch," Annie sing-songs. "You left me. You get bran."
==================================
The girl stares at her, cold fury and danger, but she can't bring herself to give a damn. "It was you. I saw it, all of it. What he did to you. What he did to your family. And I felt sorry for you, but sister, you let it break you. Someone hurt you, so you want to take everyone else down too. It doesn't work like that." She straightens her shoulders, scrubs a hand across the deep scratches down her face. "Everyone deserves a fair shot."
The girl makes a noise in the back of her throat, an angry snarl, and lashes out at her yet again, but she catches her wrist and backhands her hard across the face. "Not this time, bitch. This is my head." She releases her unexpectedly and shoves her back. She's pissed, but getting into a scuffle in a dream...well. That's just a little damn weird. "Get the hell back to your own, and you better hope I don't ever find you."
She stumbles back, drags the back of her hand over her mouth, smudging the lines of red that streak down her face. She stares at her for a moment...and gives her that smile. That same feral grin she gave her before she attacked her the first time. "Can't find me if I'm already dead."
She feels it, again, as her heart begins to race, as her breath quickens a little.
Already dead.
She doesn't have time to process just what the hell that really means, before the girl launches at her again, still grinning like a demented, Cheshire Cat.
