Meep!

[deep_red_bells]

I want this dress. They're sold out of it. I'm sad.

And boy am I already failing at that "I'm gonna shop less" resolution.

Comments

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

You're fucking pouting. Stop it.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

I'm a girl. Girls likes dresses. Girls like to shop. Girls do not like to be reminded that they don't need to shop for dresses cause they may never get to wear it.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Take a good, hard look at the man you're marrying. You seriously think you won't get a chance to wear a rig like that on a regular basis, Miss "I Live In New York And Broadway's Right The Fuck Over There?" C'mon.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...Then why are you telling me I don't need it?!!

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

As much as you fuckin' shop? Truthfully, how many dresses and shit like that do you fuckin' own?

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Not that many, honestly. I always talk myself out of buying them.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

No shit? Huh.

Well, if ya can't get that one, you oughta get one like it. Seriously, if you're gonna live in New York, you should be ready to do all the shit you kept tellin' me to do when I was in town. You're living in the big goddamn city, so live it the hell up, you feel me?

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

For the same reason that I only own, like...six pairs of really expensive designer shoes (and Julian bought me most of those). I'm afraid they'll get ruined. It's not like I can go out and say 'Okay, if I sense a vampire, I'm not gonna slay it cause I don't wanna ruin my dress and my shoes.' So I buy awesome shoes and all, but they're not terribly expensive, so I don't feel like I've just taken seven hundred dollars and set it on fire or something. I mean, look at it. It's a pretty, one of a kind vintage dress. With me, it'd probably last a week. It's a waste.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Life is short, and yer man is loaded. You left to have a life, so fucking have one already. It ain't a waste if it makes you happy, and I know that froo froo girly shit makes you happy as a pig in shit.

Go for it.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...Please work on your metaphors. Honestly.

I can be happy without massive amounts of clothing and shoes, you know.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Your man's spoiled you, I ain't as slick as he is.

It's not all about the shoes and clothes, and we both know it. I do, anyway. It's yer thing...that little piece of your life that ain't slaying or monsters or even people, 'cause relationships with fuckin' anybody never come easy for you.

Shoes and clothes are your way of bein' normal, so they make you damn happy. Ain't a thing in the world wrong with that.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...Ugh, I hate it when you do that.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Do what?

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Be all perceptive.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Hey, if I don't love ya enough to call you on yer bullshit, who will? Someone's gotta make sure you let yourself find a little bliss. You fuckin' deserve it.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I guess.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

...I say somethin' wrong?

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

No. You're fine.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Somethin's buggin' you, Bee.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Possibly.

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Well? What is it?

[locked]

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...Do you think I'd be a good mother?

Re: [locked]

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

...you're kidding, right? Of course I think you'd make a good mother. You'd make a fucking amazing mother.

Re: [locked]

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...I swear to God, Callahan, if you ever tell anyone any of this, I will beat you to death.

I didn't have a good example. My mom is...seriously, she deserves the term 'mom' in biology only. She was in and out, and hated for me to even call her Mom cause it made her feel old, unless of course her current boyfriend liked kids, then she was all about family, and, just...

And my grandmother. She loved me. She did. But she was strict, so so so so strict. Because she didn't want me to turn into my mother. She sent me to different schools, better schools, so I wouldn't fall in with the same crowds. I guess a lot of my...attachment issues, stem from that. When you go to school with Navy brats, and you never know if and when they'll have to move, you stop trying eventually. To make friends, I mean. She knew I was miserable and felt stifled and alone, but I wasn't seventeen and pregnant, so it was a fair trade, because she was protecting my soul.

I always said, I always thought, I didn't want kids. I wouldn't know what to do with a baby. I'm not...mature enough, to handle it. You know how I am. I can't handle things, when I get overwhelmed. I just pull away and you can't do that with a kid. But we...Julian, and I. We...talked about it. A little. Just a little.

His...father. He was not a nice man. He was abusive. He sent him away when he was very young and never came back for him. He doesn't really remember his biological mother. The woman he looked up to as a mother, she was...as much as she might've cared about him, she still sold him out when it suited her. He's afraid, that he wouldn't know what to do, that he wouldn't be able to connect, that he might...follow his father's example.

We aren't parent material, neither of us. We're too damaged. I know this, I know this, but I look at him, and I love him so much, and sometimes...just, every once in a while. I think...I try to put us together, you know, our features. Like little puzzle pieces. In all these different variations, trying to decide what we'd create, together. And then I think how much I want to meet him, or her. And see what they'd grow up to be.

And then I realize I won't and it layers on a whole 'nother issue. I'll die. Like Nikki Wood died, and left Robin behind. I'll die and I'll leave Julian with a child to raise alone, and I can't, I can't, I can't do that. Or God, the Slayer that had her own baby turned and had to kill it, what if that happened? And then Julian's line of work, how easily a child could be used against him. It's too dangerous. I can't do it, I just can't, and yet sometimes...

And I blame your fucking brother for this, by the way, and all his BS about getting a puppy being kid training.

Re: [locked]

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't do that to ya and you know it, Bee.

That's the funny thing 'bout Drew, he's got a nasty habit of laying shit out real plain so you can't fucking avoid it, and the fact is? You'd both be fucking incredible parents...and if you got Sark on the phone or some shit, I'd tell him the same goddamn thing.

You know what you never had, you'd give a kid that. And you get that kids are people, no matter what age. Look at all you've done for Ruby, and all the bullshit aside? You've been the best thing that could ever happen to my daughter. You wanna talk about fucking damaged...my biological mother sold my bed for dope money when I was nine. I slept on the floor till Ma got hold of me, why the fuck you think I still do it? It was all I knew for fucking ever.

Nobody should be raising a kid, Bee. We're all fucked. To be a good parent, you just gotta be fucked up and know it. Besides, big a heart as you got and as sweet as you are? No child you have's ever gonna want for shit. And Sark...he loves hard and fights hard. He'll protect any kid of yours from anything, including his own bullshit. He'd be a good dad.