Meep!

[deep_red_bells]

I want this dress. They're sold out of it. I'm sad.

And boy am I already failing at that "I'm gonna shop less" resolution.

Comments

Re: [locked]

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

...you're kidding, right? Of course I think you'd make a good mother. You'd make a fucking amazing mother.

Re: [locked]

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...I swear to God, Callahan, if you ever tell anyone any of this, I will beat you to death.

I didn't have a good example. My mom is...seriously, she deserves the term 'mom' in biology only. She was in and out, and hated for me to even call her Mom cause it made her feel old, unless of course her current boyfriend liked kids, then she was all about family, and, just...

And my grandmother. She loved me. She did. But she was strict, so so so so strict. Because she didn't want me to turn into my mother. She sent me to different schools, better schools, so I wouldn't fall in with the same crowds. I guess a lot of my...attachment issues, stem from that. When you go to school with Navy brats, and you never know if and when they'll have to move, you stop trying eventually. To make friends, I mean. She knew I was miserable and felt stifled and alone, but I wasn't seventeen and pregnant, so it was a fair trade, because she was protecting my soul.

I always said, I always thought, I didn't want kids. I wouldn't know what to do with a baby. I'm not...mature enough, to handle it. You know how I am. I can't handle things, when I get overwhelmed. I just pull away and you can't do that with a kid. But we...Julian, and I. We...talked about it. A little. Just a little.

His...father. He was not a nice man. He was abusive. He sent him away when he was very young and never came back for him. He doesn't really remember his biological mother. The woman he looked up to as a mother, she was...as much as she might've cared about him, she still sold him out when it suited her. He's afraid, that he wouldn't know what to do, that he wouldn't be able to connect, that he might...follow his father's example.

We aren't parent material, neither of us. We're too damaged. I know this, I know this, but I look at him, and I love him so much, and sometimes...just, every once in a while. I think...I try to put us together, you know, our features. Like little puzzle pieces. In all these different variations, trying to decide what we'd create, together. And then I think how much I want to meet him, or her. And see what they'd grow up to be.

And then I realize I won't and it layers on a whole 'nother issue. I'll die. Like Nikki Wood died, and left Robin behind. I'll die and I'll leave Julian with a child to raise alone, and I can't, I can't, I can't do that. Or God, the Slayer that had her own baby turned and had to kill it, what if that happened? And then Julian's line of work, how easily a child could be used against him. It's too dangerous. I can't do it, I just can't, and yet sometimes...

And I blame your fucking brother for this, by the way, and all his BS about getting a puppy being kid training.

Re: [locked]

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't do that to ya and you know it, Bee.

That's the funny thing 'bout Drew, he's got a nasty habit of laying shit out real plain so you can't fucking avoid it, and the fact is? You'd both be fucking incredible parents...and if you got Sark on the phone or some shit, I'd tell him the same goddamn thing.

You know what you never had, you'd give a kid that. And you get that kids are people, no matter what age. Look at all you've done for Ruby, and all the bullshit aside? You've been the best thing that could ever happen to my daughter. You wanna talk about fucking damaged...my biological mother sold my bed for dope money when I was nine. I slept on the floor till Ma got hold of me, why the fuck you think I still do it? It was all I knew for fucking ever.

Nobody should be raising a kid, Bee. We're all fucked. To be a good parent, you just gotta be fucked up and know it. Besides, big a heart as you got and as sweet as you are? No child you have's ever gonna want for shit. And Sark...he loves hard and fights hard. He'll protect any kid of yours from anything, including his own bullshit. He'd be a good dad.

Re: [locked]

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Please don't bring it up with him. I don't--I feel really bad for even telling you some of this stuff. I just...needed to talk.

It just...there's so much more to it than that. I'm not patient. We're both pretty selfish about things, possibly him more than me, but...anyway.

And if we weren't, if we were terrible, it's not something we can undo.

But even if I wanted to try...Cain, it isn't fair to the kid, or to Julian. For me to die and leave them, and...

I can't do that. I just can't.

Re: [locked]

[fear-noevil.livejournal.com]

What we discuss stays between us, always.

Just take it easy, ai'ight? Nobody says you gotta do this. Not a soul. I'm just saying if ya did, you guys might make mistakes, we all do...but you'd raise a fabulous kid. I totally believe that.

And don't you ever feel bad 'bout talkin' to me, okay? Especially about this. You can tell me anything about everything. I love Sass like nobody's business, but I never stopped loving you, too. Not for a second. Bein' your friend, knowin' you trust me like this...it means everything to me. I just want you to be happy.