deep_red_bells | You and me, we're in this together now (rp for elementof

Current Mood: stressed

Entry tags:

You and me, we're in this together now (rp for elementof_risk)

They were roomies.

It didn't seem to matter that they'd technically been together for over a year, or that they were getting married next month, or that they would have a baby in six months--they were roommates. Getting anything out of Julian when he was in these moods still took a team of wild horses. She tried not to let it bother her, tried to remind herself that it was how he'd been brought up, how he had to be, but dear God--a year. And he still failed miserably at communication.

Part of her wanted to snap and lash out and yell, still. She couldn't promise herself that she wouldn't, but she was going to try talking first.

She scooped Irina-the-puppy up in her arms--a feat which was getting harder every day and would be impossible soon--kissed the top of her fuzzy head in apology before sitting her down on the floor and taking her place beside Julian on the couch. In typical dog fashion, the puppy shook it off--literally--and trotted off into the kitchen, most likely to eat. "What's wrong?" she asked simply, settling against the cushions and throw pillows and propping her chin in her hand. Not much point in beating about the bush--especially after the snideness and the slamming doors and the nearly two bottles of wine.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

In depth communication about his feelings was hardly something he'd been trained for, especially when it came to talking about his own inadequacies. He didn't know what words to use, even, to try and get around to the fears, which really aren't new, just heightened. Everything Irina said...just hit home with everything he knew already, every fear he already had about his own life, his own capabilities.

It was nothing new, then, except having someone whose opinion he trusts, who truly understands his world, confirm what he already knew. Add in even joking about stupid things he wasn't quite ready for, and took the wrong way, and it all seemed out of control with tension, and nowhere to put it.

After she'd slammed the door and left, however, leaving him in a panic, he knew better than to say 'nothing,' so he sighed. "I spoke to Irina." Nevermind the highly complicated emotions that were surrounding the whole, oh, by the way, she's not dead bit of things.

Whatever she'd been expecting, it wasn't that. She blinked slowly, lips parting in surprise, and floundered for a moment for some sort of response to make. "...Oh."

It occurred to her after several beats of silence that she should probably say something more than 'oh.' She knew what a complicated issue Irina was. Navigating his many minefields was something she'd become used to, but still. "What did you talk about?"

That was an easy question to answer, at least. "The baby."

His tone indicated there was a great deal more to it than that, but he wasn't even sure where to start with it, frowning slightly. He'd always done better with direct interrogation than just volunteering things unless he was being snarky, and he'd been trying not to be with her, which was what had led to the brooding silence in the first place.

She raised an eyebrow, silently prompting an '...and?', which seemed to get her nowhere and nothing. She sighed quietly, pressed her fingertips to her temples and bit down on her tongue to keep from biting off some sharp remark out of frustration. "So what did she say that upset you?" she prompted in a softer tone.

Sark's smile was slightly bitter. "That she'd thought both Sydney and I had more sense than to reproduce after watching her and Jack's examples, and that ..." He swallowed. "That there's no way to be successful in our business and a good parent, as well."

Baileigh blinked a few times, brow furrowing as she tried to process the statement and the surge of irritation that came along with hearing it. "She can't know that," she insisted, shaking her head slowly. "Every situation is unique, she can't say that with any amount of certainty. It isn't fair at all."

"She didn't say anything I hadn't already thought," he said quietly, looking down at his hands. "And unique situation or not...she knows the price it requires. The secrets. The time away. Jack was going to quit, because it was taking him away so much. She told me that once. She left...He stayed because of what she did, and he and Sydney...he wasn't there for her, not as often as he had to be gone."

Baileigh swallowed hard past the tightness in her throat; she hated seeing that look on his face, hearing him talk like that. It scared her more than a little. She didn't, she couldn't do this alone.

"Baby..." She reached over and laid her hand over his, squeezed gently. "It doesn't have to be that way. We'll figure it out." She placed the slightest emphasis on the we'll, squeezed his hand for emphasis. "Look, this is something that neither of us have done before, but at the very least, we know where our own examples screwed up. I don't know what'll happen, I don't know what has to change, and what doesn't, but we can do this. We'll make it work." She bit her lower lip, stared down at the couch cushions. "But you can't give up on us before we even get there."

He looked up at her, genuinely startled by that assessment of the situation. Staring at her for a long moment, he tried to think of words, anything, and then it stung a lot, that she'd think he would do that. Other people thought that he was sure, but that she would when he'd stayed through so much. He thought he'd proven himself.

"It wasn't us I was thinking about giving up on," he snapped.

Edited 2009-04-03 16:56 (UTC)

Any other day, her mind might not have jumped to the worst case scenario. Today was not a good day. She stared at him in a kind of stunned awe for a moment before dropping her gaze and feeling properly ashamed of herself. But it's who you are! she wanted to say. You've said that, I don't know how many times! You want to be the highest paid freelancer in the business, it's all you've known since you were a child! Haven't I put you through enough already without you giving up who you ARE?! Doesn't everyone have a breaking point, didn't I do enough damage last time?! The thought that he loved her--and not even really her, the baby--enough to walk away from the only career, the only life he'd ever known, left her awestruck and overwhelmed.

Of course, all she managed to say out loud was a disconnected, stammering "But--you--I--" before she dissolved into tears, pulled her hand away and reached blindly for a tissue from the box on the coffee table. She curled in on herself and cried quietly into the wad for a few moments before she collected herself enough to speak. "I'm sorry," she mumbled through the sniffles. "I'm sorry. I knew better. I know better. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry."

A very large part of him wanted to reach for her, to wrap his arms around her as she cried and hold her close, but it had been a week, it seemed, of people doubting him and his abilities and it wasn't enough that they'd been called into question in some way all his life. He had just started to make a real name for himself out from under Irina and Sloane's shadows. He was known for getting the job done now, as well as for his shifting loyalties, but it just meant they paid him more, because they didn't want him against them.

But she meant more than that, because for the first time in his life, he had somewhere he belonged, and even so...it stung that she didn't realize it, made him wonder if he really did belong as much as he thought he did. He watched her cry, uncertain of what to do, feeling lost, not for the first time since he met her, and accepted her apology with a bit of a nod, though really that she'd thought it still stung and was, perhaps, the heart of the matter.

It wasn't so much him that Baileigh doubted, it was people as a whole. And her own worth. That, really, was the biggest issue. Even with as much progress as she'd made in that area, she still got in ruts and moods where she was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Even after everything they'd been through...she'd just never been worth this much to someone before.

"Julian--I didn't--" She sighed, sniffled and stared down at her lap, absently shredded the tear dampened wad of tissues with her fingertips. No wonder he didn't want to talk to her about things. She sure as fuck wasn't helping. "I'm sorry. I just--I've only been...called, for a few years, and walking away from it has been so hard, and I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be for you to do the same thing, and I know how much I've put you through and how difficult it's been and--" She bit her lower lip and made herself stop babbling. "I--how can you possibly think you'll be bad at this? At being a father? When you're willing to give up this much and rearrange your life so drastically, because it might make you a bad parent?"

He still didn't know how to truly open up, to talk about things he was feeling, to say the things on his mind. There just weren't words for him, wasn't a language he'd ever really been taught, and so he searched for them, but found himself struggling.

"I know what not to do, by example," he said, voice slightly bitter. "But that doesn't mean...I won't do it anyway. It doesn't mean my initial instincts aren't to do things to...things that would make me a very bad parent, a very bad partner."

"Instincts can be ignored," she insisted gently, biting her lower lip, wanting to reach out and touch him but unsure if it would be welcome right now. "I do it every day. And I don't believe for a second that you'd hurt our baby."

"Not intentionally," he agreed. He was sure enough of that, he thought. Though less certain of his choices in the future, less certain of his past always staying as tucked away as it had so far.

"Not at all," she continued to insist with absolute certainty. "You wouldn't. It's just--it's not you." Yes, she knew he was more than capable of doing Very Bad Things. Had done lots of Very Bad Things. Killed people, blown things up, kidnapped children. That was all beside the point.

He gave her a look that said he wasn't nearly as certain as she was about that. There were things in him that he kept locked up, bits of anger he never let surface, that only came out in moments like taking flame to skin in dark rooms, that he never talked about, but they scared the parts of him that didn't want to be that person. Of course, it had never really bothered him to be that person until he met her, and that was even more unsettling.

"Baby..." She bit her lower lip, then hesitantly shifted and held her hand out and arms open in silent invitation. Normally she'd just crawl into his lap and hug him tight, but if he was still angry...well, she knew she didn't like to be touched when she was angry. "C'mere?"

He watched her for a moment, holding out a bit, uncertain if he was ready to be touched, if he could stand to be without having some sort of breakdown that involved snapping, but he finally shifted closer, sliding his arms around her and holding her close.

She sighed quietly with relief, folded him up in her arms and ran her fingers through his hair. She didn't say anything right away, was too busy trying to sort through and digest things. "I want you to be happy," she finally said, quietly, turning her head to kiss his cheek. "Maybe I'm not always...maybe I don't always show that." Storming out and slamming the door behind her and failing to come home or call certainly didn't reflect that. Neither did most of what had come out of her mouth since she'd sat down. "But whatever decisions you make--I want you to be happy with them." She paused again, chewed at her lower lip. "I love you the way you are. I never wanted you to change anything. You know that, right?"

He was silent for a long moment, just letting her hold him, and holding her back, feeling her fingers in his hair. His eyes closed and he let it be something, possibly enough, if he could just remember to breathe through the tightness in his chest that kept screaming out all of his inadequacies.

"I know," he said finally, softly. "I want you to be happy with yours as well. You made hard ones, ones that have been hard for you, that I know you're struggling with. But if this is what's best for our family...for us..." He wasn't sure if he could finish the sentence, just tightening his hold. This whole unselfishness thing bit.

"It's not what's best for us if you're miserable, hon," she pointed out gently, snuggling in closer as he held her tighter. "It's...people need fulfillment. Your job is part of you. I have a part too, I know. And I'm glad, that you think I'm--that we're, the most important part. But there has to be a middle ground. We'll find it. We have time."

"I'm not miserable," he protested softly, a frown pulling at his brows. "I...it isn't as if I have some grand purpose, some calling, some...I'm good at what I do, but what is that? Getting people the information or weaponry they need? Get rid of those in their way, or who they have some problem with, or whose death will cause a war they want to begin? I have no endgame, nothing I'm working toward, but the next job, the next rush. I do it because it's all I know, because it's what I was trained for, but...you are what's important. You and the baby. I can find some other way to use those skills, can't I?"

"Absolutely you can. You're brilliant, Julian, you can do anything you want." She believed that without a single doubt, even as she knew better than to believe it was as simple and throw-away as he was making it out to be. She eased back just enough to press a kiss to the crease between his brows as though to soothe away the frown. "And you have plenty of time to figure this out. And whatever you want to do--so long as you're happy, I'll be for it. Promise."

He nodded slightly, frowning still, thought it eased a bit at the press of her lips. He let it ease, sighing softly, eyes falling closed. He didn't know what to do. The uncertainty had been building before this--everyone around him was so passionate about something. They all had purpose, something they believed in, something to fight for. He'd never had that, and add that to this, and perhaps some crisis of belief was natural, but he couldn't seem to help the lost feeling that accompanied it.

The look on his face ripped at her, and she kicked herself mentally for losing her temper and making things so much worse. "I'm sorry, Julian," she repeated yet again, absently toying with his shirt and staring down at her lap. "I've been horrible. I should've asked you what was wrong instead of flying off the handle. I'm so sorry."

He shook his head a little, not wanting her to take the blame. "I should have said something..." He just hadn't been ready to, needing to pull his thoughts into some sort of order, to figure out where he stood. It wasn't a not wanting to share so much as a lifetime of sorting out strategy, getting his thoughts in order before speaking. "When I saw that you were upset, I should have said something."

"I'm pregnant, Julian," she pointed out with a soft huff of a laugh, glancing up at him with a small, sheepish smile. "Nature shows upset me. I imagine it's pretty hard for you to keep up, and I'm sorry."

He returned the smile with a strained one of his own, reaching out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.

She turned into the touch, planting a kiss against the inside of his wrist. "I'm gonna go raid the freezer for a pint of the most sinful ice cream I can find," she sighed, moving to stand but bending over to kiss him lightly. "Want me to bring an extra spoon?"

He looked up and returned the kiss giving her a bit of a smile. "That sounds really good, yes."

"Mkay." She smiled and kissed his forehead before moving off towards the kitchen, both of the dogs trailing after her eagerly, as the kitchen was where their food bowls lived and the mistress was always willing to refill them.

He watched the dogs abandon him with a bit of a smile, settling back down on the sofa, waiting for her to come back, feeling at least a little bit better that maybe he didn't have to make a decision right this instant.

Sure enough, both dogs went straight to their half-full bowls, looking up at her hopefully for a top off. Shaking her head, she refilled their kibble and dug a pint of Cherry Garcia out of the freezer, washed the kibble crumbs from her hands before retrieving spoons as well.

She paused in the doorway on the way back in, studying him where he sat stretched out on the sofa--he seemed a little less tense, at the very least, though it was still possible he was acting for her benefit. She sighed lightly, pushed off of the door frame and walked back over to the couch to settle with him amid the cushions and throw pillows. "We're out of Chunky Monkey," she remarked, handing him a spoon and popping the lid on the container before digging in.

"Well, as it happens, I prefer cherries to bananas anyway, so, I think I can manage to stifle my disappointment at that fact," he told her with a bit of a smile, taking the spoon she'd brought him and digging in after her.

"Mm, I know," she replied with a bit of a smile, cleaning off her spoon and nudging through the confection of ice cream for a chip of chocolate. "My observation was more that, wow, I ate it all by myself. I'm a pig." She shrugged a bit, still smiling as she scooped up another bite. "They did say I needed more calories?"

"If Cain starts harping on you again, I shall be sure to point out the disappearance of the Chunky Monkey," he promised solemnly, going for another scoop himself, snuggling down into the sofa a bit more.

"That's why you're my hero, baby," she smiled, wriggling her feet underneath a throw pillow to warm them. She fell silent for a moment, deciding, toying with her spoon over the ice cream tub. "We're having a girl," she finally said softly, glancing over at him through her hair. "I, um...asked Val. And Merle. Sometimes it pays to know psychics."

He blinked a bit at that news, at the knowledge that someone could know, that anyone could know that so for sure. For all that he'd accepted the supernatural and extraordinary with being with her, two people being so sure of the gender of their unborn child was still startling worthy. "Oh...I...suppose that means we could start decorating the nursery?"

Unsure how she should take that reaction, she tucked her hair behind her ear and glanced at him. "We can wait for the ultrasound if you want, but...I mean, we could maybe start talking about it. How to decorate, maybe start thinking about names?"

He gave her a small smile and nodded. "That sounds good. I mean, the decorating and thinking about names. We don't need to wait, if you don't want to..."

She thought about it for a moment, nibbling daintily at her lower lip. "I think they're right. I've thought it for a while. That it was a girl, I mean. I kept catching myself trying to say 'she.'"

"Well, that's probably better than going around calling her an 'it,'" he said with a wry smile.

"Worlds better." She scoffed softly and smirked, dug out another bite of ice cream. "So. Names."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You and me, we're in this together now (rp for elementof_risk)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject