You and me, we're in this together now (rp for elementof_risk)

[deep_red_bells]

They were roomies.

It didn't seem to matter that they'd technically been together for over a year, or that they were getting married next month, or that they would have a baby in six months--they were roommates. Getting anything out of Julian when he was in these moods still took a team of wild horses. She tried not to let it bother her, tried to remind herself that it was how he'd been brought up, how he had to be, but dear God--a year. And he still failed miserably at communication.

Part of her wanted to snap and lash out and yell, still. She couldn't promise herself that she wouldn't, but she was going to try talking first.

She scooped Irina-the-puppy up in her arms--a feat which was getting harder every day and would be impossible soon--kissed the top of her fuzzy head in apology before sitting her down on the floor and taking her place beside Julian on the couch. In typical dog fashion, the puppy shook it off--literally--and trotted off into the kitchen, most likely to eat. "What's wrong?" she asked simply, settling against the cushions and throw pillows and propping her chin in her hand. Not much point in beating about the bush--especially after the snideness and the slamming doors and the nearly two bottles of wine.

Comments

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Baby..." She bit her lower lip, then hesitantly shifted and held her hand out and arms open in silent invitation. Normally she'd just crawl into his lap and hug him tight, but if he was still angry...well, she knew she didn't like to be touched when she was angry. "C'mere?"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He watched her for a moment, holding out a bit, uncertain if he was ready to be touched, if he could stand to be without having some sort of breakdown that involved snapping, but he finally shifted closer, sliding his arms around her and holding her close.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She sighed quietly with relief, folded him up in her arms and ran her fingers through his hair. She didn't say anything right away, was too busy trying to sort through and digest things. "I want you to be happy," she finally said, quietly, turning her head to kiss his cheek. "Maybe I'm not always...maybe I don't always show that." Storming out and slamming the door behind her and failing to come home or call certainly didn't reflect that. Neither did most of what had come out of her mouth since she'd sat down. "But whatever decisions you make--I want you to be happy with them." She paused again, chewed at her lower lip. "I love you the way you are. I never wanted you to change anything. You know that, right?"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He was silent for a long moment, just letting her hold him, and holding her back, feeling her fingers in his hair. His eyes closed and he let it be something, possibly enough, if he could just remember to breathe through the tightness in his chest that kept screaming out all of his inadequacies.

"I know," he said finally, softly. "I want you to be happy with yours as well. You made hard ones, ones that have been hard for you, that I know you're struggling with. But if this is what's best for our family...for us..." He wasn't sure if he could finish the sentence, just tightening his hold. This whole unselfishness thing bit.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"It's not what's best for us if you're miserable, hon," she pointed out gently, snuggling in closer as he held her tighter. "It's...people need fulfillment. Your job is part of you. I have a part too, I know. And I'm glad, that you think I'm--that we're, the most important part. But there has to be a middle ground. We'll find it. We have time."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"I'm not miserable," he protested softly, a frown pulling at his brows. "I...it isn't as if I have some grand purpose, some calling, some...I'm good at what I do, but what is that? Getting people the information or weaponry they need? Get rid of those in their way, or who they have some problem with, or whose death will cause a war they want to begin? I have no endgame, nothing I'm working toward, but the next job, the next rush. I do it because it's all I know, because it's what I was trained for, but...you are what's important. You and the baby. I can find some other way to use those skills, can't I?"

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Absolutely you can. You're brilliant, Julian, you can do anything you want." She believed that without a single doubt, even as she knew better than to believe it was as simple and throw-away as he was making it out to be. She eased back just enough to press a kiss to the crease between his brows as though to soothe away the frown. "And you have plenty of time to figure this out. And whatever you want to do--so long as you're happy, I'll be for it. Promise."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He nodded slightly, frowning still, thought it eased a bit at the press of her lips. He let it ease, sighing softly, eyes falling closed. He didn't know what to do. The uncertainty had been building before this--everyone around him was so passionate about something. They all had purpose, something they believed in, something to fight for. He'd never had that, and add that to this, and perhaps some crisis of belief was natural, but he couldn't seem to help the lost feeling that accompanied it.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

The look on his face ripped at her, and she kicked herself mentally for losing her temper and making things so much worse. "I'm sorry, Julian," she repeated yet again, absently toying with his shirt and staring down at her lap. "I've been horrible. I should've asked you what was wrong instead of flying off the handle. I'm so sorry."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He shook his head a little, not wanting her to take the blame. "I should have said something..." He just hadn't been ready to, needing to pull his thoughts into some sort of order, to figure out where he stood. It wasn't a not wanting to share so much as a lifetime of sorting out strategy, getting his thoughts in order before speaking. "When I saw that you were upset, I should have said something."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"I'm pregnant, Julian," she pointed out with a soft huff of a laugh, glancing up at him with a small, sheepish smile. "Nature shows upset me. I imagine it's pretty hard for you to keep up, and I'm sorry."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He returned the smile with a strained one of his own, reaching out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She turned into the touch, planting a kiss against the inside of his wrist. "I'm gonna go raid the freezer for a pint of the most sinful ice cream I can find," she sighed, moving to stand but bending over to kiss him lightly. "Want me to bring an extra spoon?"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He looked up and returned the kiss giving her a bit of a smile. "That sounds really good, yes."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Mkay." She smiled and kissed his forehead before moving off towards the kitchen, both of the dogs trailing after her eagerly, as the kitchen was where their food bowls lived and the mistress was always willing to refill them.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He watched the dogs abandon him with a bit of a smile, settling back down on the sofa, waiting for her to come back, feeling at least a little bit better that maybe he didn't have to make a decision right this instant.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Sure enough, both dogs went straight to their half-full bowls, looking up at her hopefully for a top off. Shaking her head, she refilled their kibble and dug a pint of Cherry Garcia out of the freezer, washed the kibble crumbs from her hands before retrieving spoons as well.

She paused in the doorway on the way back in, studying him where he sat stretched out on the sofa--he seemed a little less tense, at the very least, though it was still possible he was acting for her benefit. She sighed lightly, pushed off of the door frame and walked back over to the couch to settle with him amid the cushions and throw pillows. "We're out of Chunky Monkey," she remarked, handing him a spoon and popping the lid on the container before digging in.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"Well, as it happens, I prefer cherries to bananas anyway, so, I think I can manage to stifle my disappointment at that fact," he told her with a bit of a smile, taking the spoon she'd brought him and digging in after her.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Mm, I know," she replied with a bit of a smile, cleaning off her spoon and nudging through the confection of ice cream for a chip of chocolate. "My observation was more that, wow, I ate it all by myself. I'm a pig." She shrugged a bit, still smiling as she scooped up another bite. "They did say I needed more calories?"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"If Cain starts harping on you again, I shall be sure to point out the disappearance of the Chunky Monkey," he promised solemnly, going for another scoop himself, snuggling down into the sofa a bit more.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"That's why you're my hero, baby," she smiled, wriggling her feet underneath a throw pillow to warm them. She fell silent for a moment, deciding, toying with her spoon over the ice cream tub. "We're having a girl," she finally said softly, glancing over at him through her hair. "I, um...asked Val. And Merle. Sometimes it pays to know psychics."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He blinked a bit at that news, at the knowledge that someone could know, that anyone could know that so for sure. For all that he'd accepted the supernatural and extraordinary with being with her, two people being so sure of the gender of their unborn child was still startling worthy. "Oh...I...suppose that means we could start decorating the nursery?"

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Unsure how she should take that reaction, she tucked her hair behind her ear and glanced at him. "We can wait for the ultrasound if you want, but...I mean, we could maybe start talking about it. How to decorate, maybe start thinking about names?"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He gave her a small smile and nodded. "That sounds good. I mean, the decorating and thinking about names. We don't need to wait, if you don't want to..."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She thought about it for a moment, nibbling daintily at her lower lip. "I think they're right. I've thought it for a while. That it was a girl, I mean. I kept catching myself trying to say 'she.'"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"Well, that's probably better than going around calling her an 'it,'" he said with a wry smile.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Worlds better." She scoffed softly and smirked, dug out another bite of ice cream. "So. Names."