[The10spot] 105: Things to leave to the people you love when you die

(Stating for the record that these prompts are incredibly depressing. The other one was '10 things you want at your funeral' and let me also state for the record: I don't give a damn. I'll be dead. The wake and the funeral are for the people left behind's benefit, not the corpse in the box. Furthermore on all that cheerful 'If and when you die' paperwork the Bookworms had us fill out when we got to the school, I ticked the little box that said 'Catholic' and that should be plenty of instructions right there.)


1) My house in Corpus: there's a guy that lives in Dallas named Albert Martinez--he was my grandmother's, er, man friend, and he adored her and he took care of me after she died until I got where I could take care of myself. He should have her house.
2) My Xbox and games go to Spike. He's the only one who'd appreciate them.
3) My shoes--dear God, I shouldn't really will them to someone. I don't want to give anyone a reason to kill me. I have some nice shoes (I'm kidding. Mostly). I think Beth Ann and I are the same size, Valkyrie might be too. They can divide them up between the two of them.
4) My stereo and CDs go to Hank.
5) My DVD collection goes to Ford. I don't know that anyone else would appreciate the massive amounts of chick flicks and the complete series of Gilmore Girls.
6)Trying to think of things I even really own that anyone would want...I got a couple nice weapons, a kris, a couple knives, a few guns. Adam and Julian might appreciate them, so would Ruby.
7) Oh, those stakes that Buffy sent me for my birthday...give those back to Buffy. I'd have given you my shoes, hon, but I'm way taller than you and I seriously doubt we're the same size, though if you want any of them for apartment decor, feel free to grab them. :) Those red and black Maddens of mine would look lovely in a curio cabinet.
8) My books...man. I have so many books. I'd kind of like Julian to have them but I'd understand if he didn't have a place for them.
9) All the knick-knacks and pretty things I've pack-ratted over the years...I don't know, Spike. sort through them. Figure out who'd appreciate what.
10) Jewelry, I don't have a whole lot. Hank should have a few things, so should Beth Ann. Really, that's the sort of thing that should go to kids, but since I don't have any of those and don't plan to, just, whatever. I'm really really done talking about this.

[OtC] 3.1: Who do you blame for your issues?

I think it's very, very safe to say that most of my 'issues' can be traced back to the 'Daddy didn't love me' thing.

I don't like the word 'blame.' I would never ever ever look either my mother or my father in the eye and tell them that everything wrong in my life is their fault, because it isn't true. Most things in life are a 50-50 split. Half of it is circumstance. Half of it, yeah, could be from someone else. But half of it--hell, in some cases, way more than half of it--is all on you. You decide who and what gets to you and what you let break you down. You have a choice, how things effect you. Yes, there are some cases where that's not true. I did say 'most things' so don't start bitching at me for making a blanket statement. I'm fully aware that there are some circumstances where the outcome and how it effects a person really isn't a matter of choice. But I'm sorry, the people that want to blame everything on someone else? It doesn't work that way.

I have problems, major big size of Mount Everest issues, loving and being loved by those of the opposite sex. No, I don't really know how to fix them. Yes, I know the core of it goes back to Daddy Issues. The first guy I let into my heart tore it into a thousand little wet pieces, and I let that break me. Every time I cut a guy out of my life, every time a guy broke up with me because I started getting cold and inaccessible, it was a choice. I chose to seal myself off. That's not Daddy's fault. That's mine. That's on me.

I don't know how to fix it, but I'm hoping that admitting it, realizing it and acknowledging it is at least the first step to pushing through it.

Hopefully.

[MGW] 102: Blue Man Group lyric

Every morning, I put it on // I walk outside, and I am gone
And I don’t seem to mind anymore
I can’t think what it was like before I wore it all the time

===========================================

It started out as "This is what I do."

I didn't and sometimes still don't want to admit that I'm a killer. Yeah, you can pretty it up and point out what I'm killing, but honey, let's be honest about it. Slayer = Killing machine. And very few people want to cheerfully admit that they're a supernaturally gifted killing machine.

So I tried to keep it separate. I tried to tell people that it was like a job. It wasn't who I was. It wasn't me. It was just business, sort of. I didn't really have a choice, after all. Why should I let it define me?

But it doesn't work like that.

'Slayer' is not what I do. Slayer is what I am. Maybe it always was or maybe I just got so used to it that the line blurred too much to pull the two pieces apart again. It's not a mask I can put on when the sun goes down and take it back off again when I come home. There is no mask or costume or alter ego or secret identity.

It isn't just what I do, and you can call it what you like. Say I'm a hero, say I'm a serial killer, say I'm unnatural, say I'm a menace.

I know what I am. And I'm good with it.

That's all that really matters.


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My sock drawer decided to explode.