Last week, when I heard about the school, about what happened in Scotland?
I nearly lost it. I just...you know the story of the first slayer? How she lost her humanity? I felt like I nearly lost mine. I was ready to give up...give it all up. Slaying. The good fight. All of it. I was so close to just giving up every belief I ever had. It wasn't worth it. All this good I thought I was doing just...it was nothing.
All I wanted to do was find someone to kill in the worst way imaginable.
I thought it was enough. If I could be her father, be her Watcher, then I could live with it. There was nothing I didn't do, no stone I didn't leave unturned. I was totally responsible for her life, even in the field. God brought me to my mother's door so I could know this life...be the dad my daughter needed when she came into this world.
I never wanted to be a goddamn Watcher...but I wanted to do everything I could to keep her safe.
Every girl in Scotland...every Slayer that died? Was my daughter.
And I realized that everything I'd done, everything I thought...it was shit. It was nothing. I couldn't protect her from the monsters, and I sure as shit couldn't protect her from the humans.
I couldn't get angry. I just...I couldn't get angry, Bee, and I didn't know how else to make the pain stop or kill the voices and faces screaming in my head...
Hey, what're friends for if not to listen to the dumb shit?
If you still got any open cuts, rinse 'em in salt water. Clean and cauterize 'em. Ice 'em down, and double up on the Advil. With food, goddamnit, don't let me catch you taking that shit on an empty stomach again.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 06:14 pm (UTC)Fuck.
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Date: 2008-07-15 06:15 pm (UTC)Out with it, Cain.
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Date: 2008-07-15 06:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 06:45 pm (UTC)Just talk to me here. Please.
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Date: 2008-07-15 06:46 pm (UTC)I'm afraid to. To talk about any of it.
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Date: 2008-07-15 06:52 pm (UTC)I nearly lost it. I just...you know the story of the first slayer? How she lost her humanity? I felt like I nearly lost mine. I was ready to give up...give it all up. Slaying. The good fight. All of it. I was so close to just giving up every belief I ever had. It wasn't worth it. All this good I thought I was doing just...it was nothing.
All I wanted to do was find someone to kill in the worst way imaginable.
Talk to me. Please.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 06:57 pm (UTC)I thought it was enough. If I could be her father, be her Watcher, then I could live with it. There was nothing I didn't do, no stone I didn't leave unturned. I was totally responsible for her life, even in the field. God brought me to my mother's door so I could know this life...be the dad my daughter needed when she came into this world.
I never wanted to be a goddamn Watcher...but I wanted to do everything I could to keep her safe.
Every girl in Scotland...every Slayer that died? Was my daughter.
And I realized that everything I'd done, everything I thought...it was shit. It was nothing. I couldn't protect her from the monsters, and I sure as shit couldn't protect her from the humans.
I couldn't get angry. I just...I couldn't get angry, Bee, and I didn't know how else to make the pain stop or kill the voices and faces screaming in my head...
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 07:04 pm (UTC)I...didn't do it.
She...called me. She saved my ass, she saved my fucking life.
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Date: 2008-07-15 07:07 pm (UTC)I don't have a solution. So long as you care, it hurts. That's why I wanted to stop caring. I wanted it not to matter, but...
I don't think either one of us can turn it off.
So we suck it up, and we deal with it. No giving up and no giving in.
You with me?
no subject
Date: 2008-07-17 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-17 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-17 04:03 am (UTC)You're good for me. Period. There ain't a goddamn thing in the world wrong with that.
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-17 04:18 am (UTC)...Bee? Thanks. I know you're prolly just getting into this for Hank's sake, and it means everything to me.
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:21 am (UTC)Speaking of which, we're leaving soon? So call me later so I can tell you where we're headed.
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:43 am (UTC)Not a prob, Bee. I'll give you a buzz this evening. That's okay for you, right? Still can't keep these damn time zones straight...
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:50 am (UTC)Nothing.
Ten hours ahead, I think. But it's fine. I'll be up. I don't sleep much.
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:59 am (UTC)Got it...but fuckin' stop it. You need sleep, ai'ight?
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Date: 2008-07-17 05:01 am (UTC)I sleep a few hours during the day, usually. Don't start pulling that doctor crap on me. You know slayers don't need much sleep.
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Date: 2008-07-17 05:03 am (UTC)Fuck you, my doctor crap's all I got left. You know I worry...paternal instincts, fucking humor me.
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Date: 2008-07-17 05:06 am (UTC)I'm fine, really...though I did slice the hell out of my hands last night. Long story, but GOD, they just ached for hours.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-17 03:51 pm (UTC)If you still got any open cuts, rinse 'em in salt water. Clean and cauterize 'em. Ice 'em down, and double up on the Advil. With food, goddamnit, don't let me catch you taking that shit on an empty stomach again.
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:25 pm (UTC)Nah, they're all closed up. Pretty much healed. I don't think they'll even scar.
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:28 pm (UTC)Long as they feel better. Take the Advil anyway, just to be sure, ai'ight?
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:34 pm (UTC)I'm fine.
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Date: 2008-07-17 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-17 04:45 pm (UTC)