If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone. (for <lj site="livejournal.com" user="e

[deep_red_bells]

That, Baileigh decided as she studied her darling S.O. from the doorway of the balcony, was a brooding position if she ever saw one. From the way he held his wine glass when he picked it up to the line of his shoulders and back. Brooding of the bad variety or just plain brooding, she couldn't tell without seeing his face...well, if she could even tell from his expression at all, which was debatable. She'd discovered pretty quickly that she wasn't going to discern anything he didn't feel like letting her see, and she'd decided to stop letting herself think she had him figured out.

She didn't mind it. The brooding. It was his turn, really.

She sighed and nudged the door open, slipped outside, tiptoed barefoot over to him, keeping as far away from the railing as she could get. It was a spectacular view, it really was, she just couldn't stand to peek over the edge. It made her insides feel like they were cringing. She bent down and kissed his cheek quickly, brushed her fingers across the back of his neck as she circled around his chair to tug the other one closer and sit down next to him. "Still no penny," she remarked lightly, tucking her legs beneath her and resting her chin in her hand. "Couldn't find one. I'll have to owe you. So...talk?"

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[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He looked up when he heard the door open, and set the computer aside, giving her a smile when she kissed him. Reaching for her hand once she'd settled, he curled his fingers around it loosely. It was a warmer night, though the rain was still falling giving there a bit of a chill to the air. He liked the sound of it, drowning out the sounds of the city below. It was calm, meditative, which he needed.

"I've always been alone," he said with a thoughtful frown. It wasn't a complaint, but matter of fact. "Even with Irina, even when I had Allison...Lauren...we were together but always apart, never...And I didn't mind. It suited me."

He took a sip of wine, fingers of his free hand curling around the glass.

"I was very young, though it could be argued I never really had a childhood, but. I was very young."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She squeezed his hand gently to let him know, silently, that she was listening, not wanting to interrupt, not wanting to speak at all unless she felt he wanted her to.

He was a loner, she knew that. Well, she'd known that he preferred to work alone, at least...

"They say youth excuses and explains a lot of things," she remarked absently, giving his hand another light squeeze.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

Not most of what he'd done, but this wasn't about that. Nor, however, was it coming out quite right. He was far more about action than words, hiding behind his tongue even with people who got close to him. Moments of tenderness, of course. He was capable of it, but this sort of conversation--the one he wanted to launch--was not one he knew quite how to work himself into.

"Perhaps I'm growing up," he said with a slight smile in her direction.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She wanted to say something, preferably something cute and quippy and teasing, anything to keep things lighter and not...well. Just...not. But couldn't seem to make her voice obey. It wasn't...she couldn't think of anything. Her brain liked to check out on her at the worst times, the very worst.

She blushed and looked down, studied a spot on the floor, a bashful but cautiously pleased smile curving her lips. She cleared her throat quietly a few times, trying to unstick the words lodged in her throat with only partial success. "Is that...huh," she finally replied, bit nervously at her lower lip and glanced up at him, her view slightly obscured by her hair falling in her face.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

And her nervousness? Yes, that was why he didn't have these conversations with her. He wasn't sure what was all right to say, what wouldn't send her running. He did take heart at the smile, that there was a smile, at the least. Smiling was not running away, right? Right.

He took another sip of wine.

"I just...what I mean to say is, I'm glad you are here. I find I truly like having you with me, waking up with you there every morning, falling asleep next to you at night. I've never had that before, never thought I would, even. And I...like it." God, what was wrong with him? He was stuttering like a school boy. He, Julian Sark, did not stutter.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...He was stuttering. Not anywhere near the level she did when she was flustered but still. He. Was stuttering. It made her own nerves settle in and calm considerably, so that she could look at him instead of an imaginary spot on the ground. "Me too."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He gave her a sort of embarrassed smile, because of the stuttering, winding his fingers lightly through hers, then releasing, then doing it again before he tugged her gently to come sit on his lap.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She was more than happy to acquiesce the silent request and rose from her chair to settle comfortably in his lap. "Should I start going through my Christmas list, Santa?" she teased lightly, draping her arms around his shoulders loosely, lifting one hand to run her fingers through his hair.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He settled his arms around her waist, smiling at her teasing, though his eyes stayed serious, a bit nervous. He tilted his head into her fingers, snuggling her close to him.

"Mmm, yes. I think you should..."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Mkay," she drawled softly, tipped her head and played at thinking very hard about it, continued to trial her fingers through his hair and down his neck. "Mmmmm...oh oh, I know, I want a pony."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

Her fingers were easing some of the tension and pulling a smile to his lips. The smile turned a bit to a smirk, though, as he glanced at her.

"Well, I don't know about a pony, but I'm sure I can come up with something for you to ride."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Aaaaand there it goes." She laughed sheepishly and winced, ducked her head to let her hair fall in her face as though to conceal a blush. "One of these days I'm gonna stop setting those up, or so I keep telling myself."

She lifted her head and smiled, brushed her fingers over his cheek affectionately. "What am I gonna do with you?"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

And there it was, his opening, and for a moment the words froze on his tongue. He turned his head to brush his lips over her fingers to give himself the moment before looking back at her, all of the teasing gone out of his eyes.

"Love me."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Love me. It was amazing how two little words could freeze her and make the world stop turning and turn seconds into eternities. How they could scare her because feeling something and speaking it into being were such very different things in her mind.

She drew in a breath, exhaled, forced time to start again. She couldn't sit there with her mouth hanging open and stare at him like a deer in headlights, she had to say something. Stop being a coward. Just stop. Cowboy up. "Julian..." She trailed off, swallowed hard and tried again. Get it out, get something out. "Julian, I...do."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

When she froze, looked at him like that, his heart nearly stopped beating--literally. He couldn't think to breathe while she wasn't, and he had an image in his mind of her fleeing from the room and back home because he'd crossed that line and asked too much of her. But the words had been pressing, begging to be said, some sort of assurance for them both that this was something more.

When her words came, there seemed to be a rushing sound in his head as the world started spinning again. He swallowed, fingers moving to caress her cheek, run through her hair, tug her lips to meet his in a soft kiss.

"As I do you..." When or how it had happened, when he told himself it wouldn't, not again, not after losing Lauren, he wasn't sure, but he recognized the feeling, and he wanted her to know.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She was not going to freeze up...only yeah, she was at least a little, because she wasn't used to this, she got out of relationships before they reached this point, and if she didn't, 'thank you' was her standard response to the L-word.

But maybe she was growing up too. Oh, she was still terrified, but she wasn't bolting. That was good. That was progress.

"Okay." She bit her lower lip and fell silent, fussed with his shirt, bunched the material between her fingers and then smoothed it. "...Now what?"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"Now we know," he said softly, giving her a small smile. His fingers smoothed her hair back again, twisting a little to slide his other arm more securely around her. It wasn't that things had to change really, was it? They were still them.

They just knew.

Knowing seemed to be an important thing right now.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

It didn't feel that simple...but maybe she was over-complicating things. She had an unfortunate habit of doing that, and yet still couldn't shake the feeling that everything had changed. Which was ridiculous. Things didn't change, just because you said what you felt--and had felt for God only knows how long--out loud.

"I make everything harder than it has to be," she sighed quietly, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and shifted to curl up closer. "I gotta stop doing that."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"I think it's charming," he said with a smile that he pressed to her skin. "And I've a tendency to do that sometimes as well." Less than she, perhaps. Taking things as they were was one of the things he tried to do, no matter that he failed sometimes.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"No, you don't," she chided with a tiny smile of her own, lifted her hand to run her fingers through his hair. "You're just saying that to make me feel better about my ridiculous psychosis. And I thank you for it. And..." She sighed lightly, tightened her arms around him, hugged him close. She needed to get used to it and realize that it was okay to say it. Yes, it was scary and yes, it was gonna hurt when he left her, but life was too damn short to be afraid all of the time. "And I love you."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

Honestly, it was probably a bit ridiculous for three words to carry so much power. People might toss them around meaninglessly all the time, though he knew she was not one of them. Nor was he, for that matter, and he slid his arms around her more tightly as well, pressing another kiss to her skin.

"I love you, as well."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She smiled and lapsed into silence, content for the moment just to hold and be held. It wasn't quite as terrifying the second time...maybe, she decided, because it was such an honest and real thing. Still romantic--beautiful view, the scent and soft patter of rain in the air--but not something calculated with rose petals and candlelight, not something blurted out mid-orgasm. She wasn't sure she would've trusted it as much, if that either had been the case.

Sweet and solid and real--not just words but not a seismic event, either. The more she let it sink in, the more the butterflies in her stomach calmed. "You want to go back in?" she asked quietly, shifting to kiss his forehead but making no effort to move otherwise, quite happy right where she was.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"We can," he murmured, though his eyes were closed as he shifted to brush his lips against her neck, right there for him to do so. It felt good to hold her, good to be sure, to feel as if, for once, perhaps, he belonged somewhere.

Though just using that word--belong--that idea--was nearly more terrifying than acknowledging the feeling that had been growing for quite some time now.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

She bit her lip and giggled softly at the slight tickle of his lips brushing over her neck, closed her eyes and sank into the embrace a little more. "Actually," she sighed, turning her head to nuzzle his temple. "I think I'm good right where I am."

In more ways than one.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"Me too," he said, just as soft, head tilting just a bit for her nuzzling, his fingers lightly running up and down her spine.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Glad we're on the same page?" She hit her lower lip and squirmed a little in his lap, another giggle slipping out. "That tickles!"

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He laughed at her giggle, though the squirming was going to get another reaction all together in a moment. "I'm sorry," he said, not sounding repentant at all.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Oh, yes, I can feel the regret rolling off of you in waves." She squealed and reached back to catch his hand, trapping his arm as she leaned in to kiss him, though she was quite unable to stop smiling.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He smiled against her lips with a sigh, tongue teasing over her lower lip lightly, settling her more firmly against him.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Her giggle quickly shifted into a contented hum, and she released his arm to free her own hands, cradled his face and shifted to straddle his lap, let him pull her in closer still. It wasn't exactly easy in this chair, but she was lithe enough to manage just fine for the time being. "It's kinda cold out," she remarked softly, skimming her lips down the line of his jaw.

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

"Well shifting like that is not the way to convince me to go inside," he murmured with a soft chuckle, skimming his hands up her sides to trace the outline of her breasts.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

"Who says I was trying to?" She giggled, gasped softly and bit at her lower lip, thoroughly approving of the path his hands had decided to wander. "Mmm..."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

His eyes sparkled with amusement, hands shifting until his palms could cup against her delicately through the fabric of her clothes. "I see...."

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Her own hands slid down his arms to press over his encouragingly, lips curving into a rather wicked little smirk against his neck. "Maybe I was just a little..."

[elementof-risk.livejournal.com]

He shifted his arms to slide them away from her and then back under her, pushing to his feet in a fluid movement, holding her against him as he tilted his head for her lips and moved them inside quickly, though he didn't really bother to shut the sliding door before tumbling her onto the bed.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

A little squeal slipped out at the sudden movement, muffled against his skin and immediately followed by a fit of uncontrollable giggles. Her thighs tensed around his hips, arms locking around his shoulders to hold tight, more of an instinctive reaction than a lack of trust.

She squealed softly again, still overcome with giggles as they fell to the mattress and landed in a messy tangle of limbs; she loved the urgency, loved feeling wanted and needed, but she loved the playfulness just as much. She thought, or maybe she liked to tell herself, that it was something he hadn't...had, very much, that it was something that was just theirs.

With a soft little huff she shoved her hair out of her face, both hands parting and pushing back the tangled web of curls, let her body relax and fit against his as it always did. "Very wise choice," she quipped, smirked up at him let her hands fall lazily to the bed even as she twined her leg over his and wriggled beneath him teasingly.